contrition

2009-08-17T10:15:00.001-07:00

f im f-ing tired.

it is all weird

2009-08-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

i find myself very weird at times. times like that, when im effing stressed out and all i do is come to this place to seek repose. it is not that i dont normally feel at peace, see i dont even know what the hell im talking about. im so afraid, that actually i have already lost myself. i am bloody scared, because i am bloody unprepared for this pile of shit. i have barely two weeks. and i want to fucking ace it. fuck dreams.

2009-05-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

to hope for the best? or maybe not. yea. this probably sums up my life. or the other way round. i've never believed i could achieve much. smart? yea sure maybe. but best? doubt it. but the best is what i've always been secretly wishing for. i mean, come on. RGS? NYGH? Rj? HCj? get a life. those are damn top schools. but it is when im secretly wishing that i cant show anything. because im afraid that i dont get there. people might laugh, as they always do. so i bastardise myself by dsa-ing. stupidest choice ever. if i can be in rj, i'll probably be stuck in BCME without a life and fighting for that damn medicine place. but no, i am in vj and i have to live with it. 1 and a half years, and i'm still regretting it. maybe my gift is adapting. i'm amazed at how well i have adapted, despite regretting now and then. there's not much time to waste, concert is tmr and i havent practised much.

by the way, dont trust anyone who tells you the talented dont have to practise. they bloody do. just that they take a shorter time than the rest. so wake up, and start practising. you aint got enough in you to get away without practice. damn the solo, damn the world.

2009-01-08T05:08:00.001-08:00

saw you online for the first time after that day. my heart is racing so quickly it might pop out. it still hurts very badly. wish i could talk to you. you know your msn convo window was the hearts background?

can't take it when everything's coming all at once. now i just want my mummy to be alright. because i know with time i'll get over you. and family is my priority now. if something really happens to her, i dont know if i have the strength to carry on. my heart is really wrenching right now. i dont wanna hurt her anymore. she's so worried about me in addition to her health problems. used to think i'll commit suicide if she dies. but i know God will only bring me to situations He knows i can handle. so i wont give up easily. but when all things come together, i fear of what i'll do. it hurts too badly.

on the other hand, i can really feel my body screwing up. head hurts but cant sleep, feel weak and lost weight but cant eat. feeling like such a wreck and having to smile for everyone else is just so painful and tiring.

i love my mummy the most in this world. and God will bring me through all these although it hurts so badly.

2009-01-08T01:11:00.000-08:00

you see, problem is i feel schizo. i mean there's this supposedly normal side of me, trying to cope with everything but cant sleep and cant eat. and there's a psychologist side of me, trying to tell the other side that hey, you will collapse soon. and both sides don't want to collapse. don't want you to come back to me because it'll just mean it's more difficult to let go later on. but the normal side's really weird. seriously can't eat so i've been wasting money buying food and throwing it all away. i mean it, not even half eaten. and then i can't sleep because i wake up like what, every 20 mins?

so i've been drinking alot of water. i hope i don't die from it. i don't wanna die, i wanna get over it, but you see, my body is defying my brain. my heart is controlling my body and my brain just can't seem to win. so i'm pretty torn apart right now. so what else can i do? pretend that i'm sleeping at night and pretend i've eaten outside and i'm not starving myself.

don't wanna hurt my mum, she said im her sunshine and where have i disappeared to? oh man. it cuts really deep. i know by continuously posting here i am clinging onto it. but i really can't do anything else. i won't call you i won't msg you because i don't wanna get back together and if we go back to being friends now, it might just very well happen. i don't wanna get back together because i don't wanna see you hurt and struggling alone, trying to make decisions and having to pacify my insecurities. and of course, i don't wanna get hurt again. i rather hurt so badly now and leave it away. only then, am i confident to get back to being friends with you again. but the problem is, i don't even know if i can survive this.

i once told you i have 5 layers. now i tell you there are 6. the most bottom layer is my heart and the second most bottom layer is my brain, where i tell myself everything will be fine. kinda ashamed to be exposing my layers to others. i don't want my heart to win. i don't want to hurt so badly again. i guess this is really my first major setback?

feel like im being thrown into the adult's world with a child's body. i'm being forced to face the world and the cruelties of it. i'm sorry for myself because i shouldn't have plunge right into it. guess i wanted you for namesake initially and to try it out. but having tried it out, i rather i didn't. but some lessons are better learn this way aren't they?

very scared that you aren't okay. i hope you're writing a lot in your diary if that helps you release your emotions. i just have a feeling you're hurting much more than i am. because after all, you had to come to this decision on your own.

but then again, maybe i'm just being stupid and trying to convince myself you aren't a jerk. but i really believe you aren't. trust me. i half hope you're reading this but i know you won't. then again, i don't want you to read all these. because it was the other way round, i'll get even more hurt and want to get back together even more.

i guess we'll just leave things be and move on. no more relationships till university (omg that's next year). or until i'm more ready and mature. guess i won't plunge into these kinda things anymore. God will be here to help me get over this, He'll carry me through. hopefully He will carry you through too.

i want to stop hurting because it's hurting the people around me. or maybe just my mum. but thinking of you every single minute isn't helping. too many memories you left with me that i can't help but tear everytime i think of it. but thank you for the memories dear. at least i have memories and a past.

and if you're reading this, i just want to say that eh you cheat, you promised you wont come here ever again. and that i mean every entry i type here. and that you weren't lying entirely to me. and thank you for letting me go now. and i love you. and i'll try to stop loving you. and everytime i see you, i can't speak what i want to because i'm at such a loss of words. like you said, words aren't enough to express. and if anything, i know you're lying because your eyes gave you away. i can safely say that i understand you more than the other kids because we've been spending so much time together. i love you dear. you'll be my only dahlinks i promise. will i be yours too?

2009-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking alot. but i guess it's because it's all too sudden. i think you know me too well, because when i think of the possible real reason you did this, i know that i will brush it aside like i did that night. and you know this too. you were not lying when you said im too happy for you. im naively optimistic about life as a whole. and you did get into this relationship trying out. not because of compatibility, but because you wanted us to prove you wrong. and i thought with my optimism, we can fight everything. but look now, we've become another statistic and im sorry i did not prove you wrong.

i know that night when you cried, you really meant it. so this is just like that night, only the outcome is different. i have so many things to tell you. my heart says yes. that i should tell you everything i slowly realised these past few days. but my brain says no, that this will only cause the both of us more hurt. im being stupid, pining for you. but please know that i'll be stupid only for you. only for you. i love you

2009-01-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

came online because i cant sleep. heart tells me to call you, to get back to you, brain says no. the song you like, that's what you get when you let your heart wins, keeps repeating in my mind. feel so lost and helpless typing in the night in the middle of the night. family and friends cant see this. sometimes i just am so tired of keeping up this false veneer and you know what, you used to make everything so simple. wish you could take the pain away. wish it was all different. figuring what the problem might be, i cant stop loving you. stop making me hate you, by trying, you're making me love you even so much more.

idk what to say. if this is your decision, i'll respect it. just want you to know im not some typical ij girl who will call you a jerk to my girlfriends, cry cry and forget about it. because you're no a jerk and even if you are, you're a jerk only for me.

i know i have to eat, gastric is so annoying. but i just cant eat anything. never thought i could hurt this way. please God, help me.

2009-01-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

i still love you i still love you. i cannot sleep i cannot do anything humans do. i am at a loss and i want to see you. i want to know why. i want you to stop me from hurting so badly like you always do. i love you i love you. i dont love having a boyfriend, i love you. i promise. i want to go over to you now. i love you. i really do. i didnt even know i loved you so much till yesterday. i really love you. even if you stopped loving me, i will still love you. i love all the little things you do i love you. [:

2008-11-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

if you haven't already realised, people do not like being compared. i know you're not comparing us. but just that showing me how much the two of you have in common annoys me. i mean, what do you want seriously. do i feel good? no sorry i feel lousy because it seems to me that you're saying that both of you have more in common than both of us. then why don't you get together huh ? i know i am being a bitch but i have the right to because i feel insecure. i am pretty annoyed and hormonal right now because you make me feel like we're totally not compatible. but oh well, maybe this is how life is supposed to be ain't it. and this is the perfect time to use her favourite cynicism about love being warped. thanks so much.

2008-10-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

you know, when trying your best isn't enough. and you're so tired all you can think about is sleep. yea, i should stop complaining because i hate it when others do that. then again, i'm ranting to myself so yay [: okay im so tired now i dont know what to say. thinking of what more's coming is totally worsening my mood. i should return to my work.

2008-10-27T07:09:00.001-07:00

fnuewbguwbg damnit. sometimes i wish i was dead.

wow

2008-10-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

didn't realise i came here this year. anyway, i like this blog, it's pretty cool. and once again, if you're here, you go away. you're not supposed to be reading this. anyway, it's really mystifying when you don't know what you're doing with your life. it's such a lie. so what if people think you are an overachiever when you don't think you are one? no point, no point at all. seriously, i feel like an underachiever. i know i can do much better.

on another note, i'm sorry i ever said yes. that was quite a not well thought through agreement. now i'm facing the repercussions. do you even know how i dislike it when we talk about somebody else always? just seeing more and more of you that i dislike. i'm sorry if im screwing up your life, because i'm definitely screwing up mine. damnit.

2008-07-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

you know it's so ironic that when you see your close friend in some pictures that aren't taken with you, you start wondering how much you know about her actually. that although you try your best to make time for her, her life just takes on another path and you drift so much you become strangers? i love making friends but the worst part is seeing them drift away. maybe that's how life is. oh a song : that's the way life usually is, it just passes you by.

maybe they really have radios in heaven. sigh, what's with me and my "emo-ness" recently. haha it's so paradoxical how my mood changes towards situations. sometimes i think im like a machine. anyway wah lau nobody should be reading this. if you are, go away.

drifting away really makes me think about what's the point of life. why are we all striving so hard? i bet nobody can answer that properly.

2008-07-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

had this craving to blog..

anyway aiya since this is going to be a personal blog it doesnt really matter what i write ab0ut. you know sometimes i just wonder how come we're all slogging so hard. i mean what is it for? life's too short for us to slog. you cant help but think, okay even if i stop working hard now what will happen. so my solution to this? aiya leave everything aside and sleep. seriously, when too many things are boggling your mind, just go and sleep. God's magical powers will resolve it. not. okay i will not be unrealistic. but at least sleeping gives you a clear mind right? so im off to sleep now. night world.

i walk a lonely road.

2007-09-08T04:19:00.000-07:00

haha after eons, im finally back. at the wrong period though. let's see who sees this first. first person to see this post, msg me and i'll give you something [:

2007-04-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

yknw what, we shouldnt be regretting now. we had no regrets after playing and so what of the judges were screwed ? we dont care. we enjoyed out music and so did the audience. we still rock, SNCO. we dont need a certificate to tell us that alright ?

screw ytdy, i hate it so much. sometimes you see certain things coming but yet you're doing nothing to prevent it and when it happens, all you want to do is to whine about it. shit, im such a loser.

2007-03-31T04:33:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just feel like slapping everyone you see. b****!
long time since i scolded that word, so there.

2007-03-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

you know, i bet i'll get an A1 for sleeping.

i wish everything will stop clashing.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

2007-01-24T01:29:00.001-08:00

i forgot that this blog even existed but i suddenly thought of it. haha okay (: so here i am.

anyway this year had been rather busy, i guess. i mean so far. okay so the worst is yet to come, so to say. doesnt sound very exciting, does it ?

school had been okay i think. lessons are rather normal. but some are hilarious HAHAHAHA. im a good girl, i go regularly for co ! yay -claps for me. haha. (:

oh, roti died last friday ): quite sad la, she's been a good hamster ! cause she never bit anyone before, seriously. even strangers okay !

mr choo said time will fly. and oh my its already like week 4. before we know it i bet we'll be taking our O's and going for prom night. haha, or am i just thinking too much. shall not comment about the tests we have. but must try to at least study abit for every test ! really !

oh by the way, 4 wisdom rocks la. i dont know why, i just love our class so much. ahha. i feel quite high now (: maybe the countless tests arent that horrible with wisdom afterall (:

vday's comingggggggggggggggggggggggggggg : D
OH YAY.

2007-01-24T01:29:00.000-08:00

2007-01-01T04:39:00.000-08:00

hellooo : D

im back, so hello. and no, i didnt manage to die, sadly. oh yeah, i wanted to start doing the homework by doing lit first. but guess what ? couldnt find the stupid joy luck club. i lost it man. if anyone happens to see it, please pass it to me thank you. so blah and blah.

kind of cant wait for tmr (: last day of enjoyment man.

2006-12-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

i dont know what to say okay, i feel so shit. i just came back from msia thinking happily that i only have english homework. and a few chinese papers i dont intend to touch. but i tell you, i rock. i didnt know there were so much homework. now i only have a few days left and honestly, nothing had been touched yet. my goodness. just give me a knife. goodness goodness goodness. kill me. so much for wanting to buck up but i guessed this holiday really flew past, literally. i dont even rmb wanting to school to start like the past years' dec holidays.

come on, i know it'll soon be over. i wont forget the promises i made. okay, jiayou !

2006-12-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

i wanted to sleep but i guess that could wait. what a day. or, what a night ! seriously. wanted to pop over to ming's house tmr night because it was nearer to christmas and since i wont be in town for christmas, tmr night was the closest i could afford. but since i am leaving on wed early morning, i guessed that i wouldnt even be let out of the house. okay so i decided to go tonight.

so i appeared. hahaha. i was on the phone with her and cause it was raining so heavily, she went 'eh off the fan. very noisy.' but obviously i couldnt 'off' the rain right ? so i stupidly said 'i want to blow' hahahaha ! okay so i reached her house and surprised her with xmas present part one ! hahaha. : D i think it was super nice ! i mean the present. never see before leh : D but i shall not reveal its identity here (: yeah so blah blah blah and i decided to leave. and guess what ? it was still pouring. super heavy la ! then scream scream scream. but no taxi /: and all the booking lines were engaged ! every single brand of taxi okay ! argh. so decided to cross the bridge and take the bus since no cabs in sight. and ming was still saying 'the lightning wont strike us, we are good people' then KABOOM ! the silly bus splashed into this huge puddle and guess what ? no prizes for guessing, we were drenched from head to toe ! so much for being 'good people'... okay so yeah, we kept screaming and the cars kept splashing water on us too. dirty water, to be precise. so crossed the bridge finally, and i got a cab ! hahah : D great accomplishment eh. so i reached home and my mum's jaw dropped when she saw how wet i was. and i stupidly said ' huh ? very wet meh ? only hair la hor' then i went to bathe and saw how soaked i looked -.-

anyway, what an adventurous journey. ming, merry part one xmas ! (: and to my one and only monkey backside :

you taught me how to love because it is not until i met you that i could feel what it meant by love do great wonders (:

i guess.. love is like when you had a bad day and you think of the person you love, and you smile from the bottom of your heart (: ming, i think im head over heels in love with you : D

2006-12-17T07:09:00.000-08:00

no more to be said, the choice had been made. whatever choice it is, somebody is sure to be disapoointed. but oh well, good luck to me.

& on this lonely night, i stand here by myself, whispering 'goodnight, goodnight'

2006-12-16T01:31:00.000-08:00

having choices make a teenager crazy. i mean, spoilt for choices. crap, seriously i would rather be a little girl and let the adults decide for me. because making choices is driving me crazy. i mean yeah, freedom might include making your own choices but hell, when it comes to complicated matters, i would rather be a little girl in two ponytails wearing a flowery dress. im serious. deadly serious, whatever.

on a brighter note, found a rather expensive looking wallet at the bus stop with huaipoo. and we were so nice, we went to that person's house to return it. yeah, we're good citizens. thumbs up ! (:

i think the idea of stepping into school as a sec 4 is slowly coming to me. i dont need all those incessant reminders, of course. but oh well, i think they serve their purpose well in pressuring me to get started with the workload. come on, i only have a few days left, minus those days i'll be out of town with the family. but then again, im sure the world would be better off with one less droner. so yeah. i guess the only thing i really fufilled this holiday was getting enough sleep. after those gruelling long nights and short sleep during EOYs, i vowed to sleep alot during the holidays and im proud to say its mission accomplished (:

okay, i seriously seriously need to find an organisation to start on my CIP hours because time is running out and NYAA has a deadline. suggestions anyone ?

2006-12-14T04:14:00.000-08:00

on a reflective note, i think people who are too easy with their promises end up disappointing alot others. seriously, i really loathe people who make their promises but yet not keep them. i mean those serious kinds. but then again, i do remember a few words that man is selfish. i mean, who isnt ? anyway, this is of no pertinence to anything. bye (:

& now i say hello

2006-12-13T02:38:00.000-08:00

hello world, new blog, new life i guess (:

just suddenly had this gut feeling to return to the blogging world. so yeah, here i am (: